Roll the List 17: Garion’s Take


For this segment of Roll the List, I opted to pick ten aspects of the worst songs and artists.

1. “Hidden” tracks.
You know what I really love about rocking out to my favorite tunes while I drive to work? The five minutes of silence before another song starts to play, in the exact same configuration as the last time I heard it. It’s not like I randomize my songs for the sake of variety or anything. I really enjoy the silence too. It’s kind of ironic when I think about it.

2. Nonsensical lyrics.
I’m not talking about lyrics that allow for multiple interpretations based on who’s listening, or even the good old fashion absurdist yellow mellow custard fare. I’m talking about elements that just don’t logically follow like “I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams.” A boulevard of broken dreams would be freaking packed, you emo crybaby. Just because you’re 17 doesn’t mean that you’re the only person who had stuff not work out the way you wanted.

3. Repetition.
I don’t know if it’s meant to bolster a mediocre idea or if it’s just what the creatively impaired do to inflate the numbers, but those five notes aren’t as cool as you think they are.

4. Profanity.
I believe that profanity is the laziest method of communicating emotion. We’re talking about the difference between “he’s dumb” and “can’t pour water out of a boot with instructions of the heel.” If you’re going to write a song, you should take a step back from the colloquial and start with some imaginative ways of expressing yourself.

5. Lack of depth.
Sure, that guitar lick is cool, but what about the bass? The drums? Keyboard? Back-up vocals? You’re in a band for a reason, act like it.

6. Applause in a Live Album.
I get it, people like you enough to do what’s socially obligated at a public venue. You can be assured that nobody is questioning the validity of the liveness of your album. That stopped being cool after Bennie and the Jets.

7. Wailing Vocals.
Cool, you’ve got range and power in your voice, but you should probably use it to highlight important things. “Aaah” isn’t even a word.

8. Repetition.
I don’t know if it’s meant to bolster a mediocre idea or if it’s just what the creatively impaired do to inflate the numbers, but those five notes aren’t as cool as you think they are.

9. Incorporating Mainstream Political Arguments.
In the realm of music, I want to listen to ideals and perspectives. I don’t really care what you have to say about how the Prosperous Justice Part of Indonesia’s scandalous chairman was implicated in a misconduct charge which damages the party’s image as anti-corruption. This follows the same reasoning as having profanity. Why write a song of you’re just going to talk about things you don’t like without the air of abstraction?

10. Build Ups that Never Amount to Anything.
The song begins mellow, as if slowly developing its foundation.  It rises in tempo, volume or complexity, taunting you that a crescendo is coming.  It finally finishes that measure and… Nothing!  You’re right back where you started.  Nothing has changed.  It’s like the Groundhog Day of music.  Aggravating.

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