Roll the List #8: Top 10 Worst Horror Movies, Kyle’s Take
This list was fairly hard since Horror is my favorite genre. The problem is, however, that I have trouble not liking many movies except Superman Returns and Priest. But let’s no go there, let us start with this list!!
10. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Old or Remake)- The movie simply acts to perpetuate my love of never wanting to go to Texas. The remakes best feature was Jessica Biel wearing a white shirt that looked kind of wet at some parts. The original wasn’t good and I don’t consider it a classic at all.
9.Dawn of the Dead (2004) – I will get so much flack for putting this movie on here but I am because I did not enjoy it. It was a bad remake and didn’t even do what most remakes do by paying respect to the original. Zack Snyder is overrated, and I attribute him as one of the directors that started the Nolan style of movies.
8. The Happening (The Crappening)- This will be one of two M.Night Shyamalan movies on this list. Creationism as a horror villain is just the stupidest fucking thing ever. On top of the biblical and religious contradictions that are presented in this movie there is one other problem. it randomly portrays women as subservient to men. I am not sure if this was on purpose or not but please never see this movie. Ever.
7. The Village – The next in line of M.Night Shyamalan disappointments. The creatures are just people dressed up in outfits. There I just saved you a whole lot of time. I’ll say it again, I like supernatural. When a horror movie cops out I automatically hate it.
6. Saw/Turista/Hostle/Wolf Creek– These movies are pure gore porn and I dislike gore porn. If I didn’t, I would simply go to 4chan and watch it, I would not pay to see it in theaters. Also these movies perpetuate the idea that violence is okay on the big screen but breasts are not. I would much rather see a naked couple than a guy cut his own foot off. Although credit where credits due, the Saw movies have some pretty awesome puzzles and traps, like a fucked up adult home alone. If you like that part of Saw, The Collector movies are awesome as well!
5. Plan 9 from Outer Space– I didn’t feel right going through this list and not adding something that MST3K has done. This movie was hard to watch even when being riffed on. Bad acting? Check. Bad sets? Check. Bad story? Check. I have been told by my movie-making friends that this is a movie you have to watch to see what not to do, and after watching it I truly understand why.
4. Zombie Strippers– This movie made me feel like a was a necrophiliac, which is not okay for anything, even a movie, to do. So kudos on making me the most uncomfortable ever, Zombie Strippers.
3. Secret Window– This movie sucked on all fronts. A movie about an author in the woods. Where can you go wrong with a Shining clone right? Wrong. It presented itself as a supernatural thriller when in reality it was just a shitty psychological multiple personalities movie. Sorry, I’m not sorry for spoiling the ending. Shove this movie right in there with Hide and Seek, and thank me for letting you know the ending before you had to watch it all. I like supernatural plots.
2. House of the Dead – A Uwe Boll Film. That is all I need to say.
1. Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark– Despite Del Toro’s name being all over this file it was a steaming pile of shit. If i wanted to watch a movie about an evil tooth fairy, my go-to is Darkness Falls because at the very least it has action and violent deaths, and it is actually creepy. This movie was so bad, when Dalton and I saw it I felt so bad for making him see it with me I took him to see the Fright Night reboot, which was excellent.